Dreaming Novel Things is a feature in which I discuss book related subjects, but in a creative way. I’ll use interviews, narratives and lists to talk about book trends, book opinion and bookish matters. If you have any book related subjects you’d like to see me discuss just leave me a comment below!
It’s a known fact that bookworms consider their books to be very precious indeed and I am no different. When someone asks to borrow one of my books one part me feels excited at the thought of being able to talk about the book with a person but then another part of me looks at my book and wonders if I’ll ever see it again. And if I do, will it be in the same condition? Will they love Pride and Prejudice like I did? Will they turn on a night-light so that The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe can get through the night? Will they watch reruns of The Mindy Project with To Kill a Mockingbird?
So I drew up an official policy for borrowing my books, with a signature at the bottom verifying that you have read the terms and agree to comply and also agree that if said book gets lost or comes into any physical or emotion harm, the manufacturer of this contract can choose a punishment from The Should Be Punishments of Misusing Books to her liking. Read below to see the contents of that policy.
Official Book Borrowing Policy
Drawn up by Miss. Lindsey on the day of the 23rd of January in the year of 2014 at nine in the morning.
This is an official contract that can be held up in a court of law, Oz, Wonderland, Narnia, Never Land, Middle Earth and the Ministry of Magic.
Miss. Lindsey asks that you take no notice of the chocolate smudges on this contract, business always gives her an appetite.
First submit a form outlining in TYPED wording the following: The title of the book you want to borrow; the author of the same book; the date of when you want to borrow that book; the date of when you plan to return that book; your interest in reading this book; and where will this book reside in your residence.
Turn in this form no later than two weeks before desired date of borrowing book. Seal form in a standard envelope made out to: Miss. Lindsey S., Berkshire Lane, First Bedroom on the Left. It should be delivered by owl.
When Miss. Lindsey receives your form she will take exactly one week to deny or approve the request. DO NOT do any of the following during that time: ask if she’s made a decision; ask her what’s taking so long; bribe her with candy.
If your request is denied, you can resubmit another form after 90 days. After the third time, your request will no longer be considered. At that time, it would be wise to move on.
If your request is approved then you move on to a second phase. Note that gaining an approval after the first phase does not guarantee you approval for the second phase.
Miss. Lindsey will send you an inquiry form (note they are not standardized and questions change often) that you are to fill out and send back. Some questions on this form may include but are not limited too: What is your favorite book?; Favorite Author?; Have you ever lost a book?; What are your eating and drinking habits? Medical History? Would you cuddle with a book to pick up its gloomy mood? Did you laugh at the previous question? No, seriously, did you laugh at the previous question?
Once you have completed the inquiry form and have sent it back allow one week for review. You will receive either an approval or denial at the end of that week. If your request is denied, it was probably for a good reason. If your request was approved, then you should feel honored. You will be asked to attend the Solemn Book Oath at a location and time of Lindsey’s choosing. Do not be late.
Once you have been given an exact location and time to meet for the Solemn Book Oath and assuming you have arrived on time the ceremony shall begin.
You will see Miss. Lindsey at the location, but you are NOT to go up to her, NOT to speak to her and NOT to motion to her in any way. Miss. Lindsey S. has brought you here for a reason. She has found a book either abandoned or misused in this very location and the oath will not begin until you remedy the situation for the book. Correctly.
If you don’t, Miss. Lindsey S. will shake her head ever so slightly and you must turn around and start the whole process from the beginning. You are expected not to complain.
If you do pass the little test then Miss. Lindsey S. will nod her head vigorously and the both of you will then go to the back of the building where there are no prying eyes. If you don’t believe there will be prying eyes then you automatically failed. That’s right.
Once the two of you are alone, Miss. Lindsey S. will pull out the precious item that you have requested. You will place your right hand over the item and recite the following oath:
I, [Insert Name Here]
Solemnly Swear (YOU MUST RESIST SAYING UP TO NO GOOD EVEN THOUGH YOUR BRAIN DEMANDS IT)
To not only take care of this book as if it was mine
But to take care of it as if it was Miss. Lindsey’s
Which it is
I, [Insert Name Here]
To cherish this novel, to not dog ear this novel and not eat anywhere this novel
This novel will not come within five inches of any liquid
And shall have the best place to reside that my home has to offer,
Even if it means giving up my bed
I, [Insert Name Here]
To return this novel at the exact day I promised
At the exact time I promised
In the exact condition that was given to me
On oath of Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Aslan
I Solemnly Swear
You are expected to have that oath memorized and repeat it verbatim. A mistake in the wording will earn you an automatic fail.
After the oath is conducted correctly, Miss. Lindsey S. will hand over the book. Please excuse the reluctance in her eyes.
You have officially borrowed a book from Miss. Lindsey S. Enjoy it, soak it in and God help you if any harm befalls it.
Signing this document means that I have read and agree to the laid out terms and realize that by not complying can earn me a punishment at the manufacturer’s choosing.